A Not-so-pretty day

       Do you ever have a not-so-pretty day? One where you think to yourself, 'Wow, if the world saw me right now I don't think they'd like me!"' I have those days. I want to share a specific day like this from 2014. I was up on a Saturday night several times with our little one-year old Winston. I'd been sick for over a week and was feeling very worn out. I missed church and it was going to be the one Sunday out of the year I could sit with my husband (who is a minister) because a guest speaker was preaching. 
        I found myself at home alone with Winston, who was very unhappy and not feeling well. Our two foster children were with their parents and I have to admit...I just felt so lonely. Darin came home from church for about thirty minutes and then had to leave again. What was supposed to be an hour turned into three hours and I began to fume. I hadn't been able to take a shower. Winston wouldn't nap. I felt tired and just wished to have somebody there to help. I tried calling Darin, (He'd left his phone in the van) but I couldn't get a hold of him. I was done. Just done. I sat in our recliner chair with Winston who was inconsolable and began to cry myself. Around 5 P.M. Darin pulled up and he quickly became the target of my unhappiness. He walked through the door. I handed Winston off to him, barely looking him in the eye, and said not very nicely, "I'm going for a drive." 
       I went for a drive in the country and when I thought I'd calmed down I came home, but still Darin was the target of my unhappiness. If you don't know me I am a feeler and a very expressive person. When I get overwhelmed it often comes out through my emotions. To sum up this not-so-pretty-day: it ended in me locking the bedroom door on Darin, crawling into bed, curling up in the covers, and crying. Very adult I know. I longed for my husband and his strength, but instead I was pushing him away because that's what I do when I feel not-so-pretty. I want love, yet I resist it. My pride stands in the way.
        Do you know how my husband responded? I'll tell you. After I unlocked the door he came in and crawled up next to me. "Hey babe, I made you some burgers. I love you so much." I was baffled. "Darin, you're supposed to be angry!" I exclaimed. "Not make me burgers and tell me you love me! I just locked the door on you." He laughed and said, "Well I do love you." He didn't blame me, he didn't go off on me for my immaturity, he didn't even act irritated. "I'm sorry you've had such a rough day," he ended with. To be honest, there was a part of me that didn't want him to respond in love because I was having a hard time loving myself. 
        This scenario is not secluded to yesterday. My husband has often been a display of God's grace to me. In these not-so-pretty moments he has often helped me feel God's love through his grace. He acted toward me the same way Christ acts towards us. Christ takes us right where we're at. He takes all of the ugly, the selfish, the sinful, ALL of it and looks beyond to the hidden beauty. He knows it's there because he was there when his Father created it within us!
       
 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.  All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.  In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." ~John 1:1-5
       
         Many people have the misconception that in order to be a follower of Jesus they must get beautiful first. They must first make themselves lovable. If you take one thing away from this blog, hear this. Because God loves you, you are lovable! You can't earn His love. You can't get rid of your sins on your own! He takes your filthy rags and covers you in Fine Linen, bright and clean. As a follower of Christ for several years I am still very imperfect. I am still selfish. I still act ugly at times. I still get distracted by the things of this world and take my focus off of Jesus. And Jesus still climbs up next to me and says, "Hey pretty girl, I made you some burgers. I love you so much!" His love is unconditional. His love is perfect. There is no one. NO ONE that is beyond His loving. You just have to open the door to your heart and say, "Come in, you are welcome here. I give you the full rights to this life you gave me." Jesus gave everything. The question is: Will you let him love your everything? The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly? Stop trying to earn His love. It's already yours if you are willing to surrender.

"I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference.  "Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne."
~Revelation 3: 19-21